Yeah, yeah, we know. Shockwave has closed down already (August 9th, 2015 was its final day of operation). But today we want to tell you guys who haven’t ridden it or have sentimental value to it JUST HOW BAD IT WAS!!!! This is so you don’t go crying to Kings Dominion to bring it back. So without further ado, let’s review this heaping piece of metallic crap.

Theming: 0 out of 5

What theming? Besides maybe a lightning bolt on the logo and the vibrant paint scheme that, admittedly, stands out in Candy Apple Grove, we have no idea as to what this is themed to. There are no images or any props to be found. It’s laziness at its finest.

Experience: 1 out of 5

The drop and loop are (relatively) smooth. That’s it. After that loop, it goes into a rough airtime hill (without any actual airtime) and then drops into a helix that makes the ride akin to a medieval torture device. But it gets worse from there. You go through a series of bunny hops that will throw you around in every possible direction, thrusting every part of your body on hard plastic. After another painful turnaround, you go through those bunny hops again until you jam into the brake run, giving you a concussion. I was crying “ow, ow, ow!” and the “good riddance!” at the brake run when we rode it on its last day of operation, and it wasn’t much better for Jason. Heck, even the lift hill is rough. EVEN THE STATION IS ROUGH!!!! The main reasons why this coaster is unbearable is because one, the transitions were most likely designed by an abused braindead chimpanzee on crack, and two, the friggin trains! You basically sit on a tiny bicycle seat, causing discomfort to your reproductive areas, then a bar comes up to your waist to crush those areas even further, ensuring that you will never have children. And if that’s not enough, tiny over the shoulder restraints are forced upon your shoulders, neck, and chest, once again, crushing you, up until they are further forced upon you by an ultra-tight buckle. I’m surprised nobody has been choked to death by these restraints. Finally, the operator adjusts the height of the seat to further ensure your experience is as deathly as possible. “Good riddance!” is right!

What have they ever done to you, Kings Dominion?

Elements: 0 out of 5

These are some of the worst “elements” on any coaster in the history of mankind. The loop isn’t the roughest but it’s not forceful or fun either. The hill after that, like I said before, has no airtime. Just pain. After that, you enter the helix of death. pretty self-explanatory. None of those bunny hops I mentioned above deliver even an ounce of airtime either. What a waste of metal!

Thrill Factor: 0 out of 5

If painful meant thrilling then this would get a 5 out of 5. But it’s not. There’s no fun in riding a death machine.

Operations: 0 out of 5

Shockwave always has long lines. And it’s not because it’s popular. It’s because the operations are THE WORST!!!! It takes so long for everyone to get jammed into their harnesses and or the coster to go up its 1 mph lift hill that you end up passing out because of all that time you had to wait in the sun.

Rest in pieces Sh*twave!

My verdict is, be VERY glad that Shockwave is gone! VERY VERY glad!!!!

Final Score: 0 out of 5 (KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!)